Oh I lost my blog! Ok not really but man I have not been here for a while. Things have been so crazy for me over the past four months that I can barely take time to sleep. But not only have things been crazy, things have been wonderful! I haven't really gushed on here about John, who is turning out to be the love of my life, but I am sure that I gush enough that most of my friends want to vomit every time I mention his name. I can't even help myself. He says the most adorable and romantic things to me. I constantly recall every message he sends and everything he says to me that it would be a bit neurotic for me to put it on here too.
I am so extremely excited for him to get back home and even more excited for the future to come. I am a little worried that he won't be able to get the transfer from Maine to San Diego when he gets back. When he went home for leave before he deployed, he didn't have a very good phone signal and I am pretty sure I talked to him less than I do now when he's all the way over in Afghanistan. Not only that, I'd have to fly to go see him, he doesn't have his own place over there right now and so inevitably we'd have to get a hotel so it would be a bit more expensive than trips back and forth to California. I guess I will just have to wait and see.
I have lots more to say but have lost steam already. It's time for bed. Hopefully I can write again soon.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Annoyed.
Lately I've found it's hard to be happy for other people in the things that they want to accomplish. Well it's really not that I don't want to be happy for them, it's just that when you have someone that is your "best friend", you expect that you both have so much in common that you can easily spend time with each other and not really ever get mad at the other person. I've never really found myself to be a lot like another person. When I first became really good friends with JD, I thought we had so much in common it was crazy. A year goes by and instead of thinking that we have so much in common, I think, geez she's the most annoying person I know.
I easily became best friends with K after she started dating M and did more of the things that I like to do at the time...going out, drinking, having fun. As time has gone by though, she has changed some and I would like to think so have I. I know that I have this goal of dieting and exercising and losing weight and I have been going to school for the past 5 years and continue to go but this doesn't mean that I stop all the things I love to do. I mean this whole time I've been in school, I do it and still see my friends. I guess the point of this little rant is that I am annoyed as hell every time I just want to do something simple like go get dinner and a movie and it turns into ..."well, we could get "healthy" beer and drink it at the house and then get subway before the movie" ..instead of going to have a good time at Red Robin a couple hours before. Sorry that I don't want to make our evening a big production. The thing that annoys me the most is that M has become this healthy freak that now gets mad every time K and I go out for a drink or go get some wings at Native New Yorker....and says things like I'm a bad influence. Sorry, have a freakin salad for all I care. I'm my own person and if I want wings and a beer I'm not going to feel bad about it. I would just stay home if I was trying to not eat bad or have beer and couldn't control myself.
I easily became best friends with K after she started dating M and did more of the things that I like to do at the time...going out, drinking, having fun. As time has gone by though, she has changed some and I would like to think so have I. I know that I have this goal of dieting and exercising and losing weight and I have been going to school for the past 5 years and continue to go but this doesn't mean that I stop all the things I love to do. I mean this whole time I've been in school, I do it and still see my friends. I guess the point of this little rant is that I am annoyed as hell every time I just want to do something simple like go get dinner and a movie and it turns into ..."well, we could get "healthy" beer and drink it at the house and then get subway before the movie" ..instead of going to have a good time at Red Robin a couple hours before. Sorry that I don't want to make our evening a big production. The thing that annoys me the most is that M has become this healthy freak that now gets mad every time K and I go out for a drink or go get some wings at Native New Yorker....and says things like I'm a bad influence. Sorry, have a freakin salad for all I care. I'm my own person and if I want wings and a beer I'm not going to feel bad about it. I would just stay home if I was trying to not eat bad or have beer and couldn't control myself.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Hope.
Sometimes when I'm in a relationship, I feel that I'm the only one with the sickening little emotions like thinking of the person every minute of the day and missing them so much it hurts sometimes. But then, he says "I miss you" and I'm so happy that I'll have a stupid grin on my face for at least a couple hours.
Only five more days before I make the trip back to California to see J for one last time before he deploys. I can't wait to see him and at the same time I am so sad that this time has come. I've been thinking a lot about what is going to happen during this time and when he gets back. I really hope that he feels the same as I do and that it doesn't change...that he doesn't change. If this all works out the way that I want it to, maybe by this time next year I will be making a move. We will wait and see but I don't see why I can't expect this much happiness.
Last time I went to visit J, he asked for me to give him something of mine to take with him...I haven't been able to figure out what to give him though! I thought of putting my black and silver ring on his dog tags but I don't know if that's good enough or if he would even like that. I love the patches and the rank pin he gave me...it was the sweetest thing ever and he wants to give me his bottle of cologne so I can "have his smell." I know to some of you that may sound kind of odd but I love that too. I want to spray it on my USMC sweatshirt which of course I won't be able to wear until the winter time here. After I've left California the last two times, he's talked about the pillows and blankets smelling like me and that he liked it so I'd like to bottle up some of my perfume in something that is small for him but not sure how I can do that. I guess I'll figure something out.
I am the most boring blog person ever! I know.
Only five more days before I make the trip back to California to see J for one last time before he deploys. I can't wait to see him and at the same time I am so sad that this time has come. I've been thinking a lot about what is going to happen during this time and when he gets back. I really hope that he feels the same as I do and that it doesn't change...that he doesn't change. If this all works out the way that I want it to, maybe by this time next year I will be making a move. We will wait and see but I don't see why I can't expect this much happiness.
Last time I went to visit J, he asked for me to give him something of mine to take with him...I haven't been able to figure out what to give him though! I thought of putting my black and silver ring on his dog tags but I don't know if that's good enough or if he would even like that. I love the patches and the rank pin he gave me...it was the sweetest thing ever and he wants to give me his bottle of cologne so I can "have his smell." I know to some of you that may sound kind of odd but I love that too. I want to spray it on my USMC sweatshirt which of course I won't be able to wear until the winter time here. After I've left California the last two times, he's talked about the pillows and blankets smelling like me and that he liked it so I'd like to bottle up some of my perfume in something that is small for him but not sure how I can do that. I guess I'll figure something out.
I am the most boring blog person ever! I know.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Love and things.
It's been a few weeks since I blogged...almost 2 whole months. I get in a mode where I try to post often, then stop posting for a bit. Anyways, here I am again!
Today is my Monday. Had yesterday off which is always a good thing...especially lately. Not that I hate my job or anything but lately it has been so busy and overwhelming that I usually can't wait for a break. Unfortunately a break just means when I come back all the stuff is piled up still waiting but now it's all urgent and everyone is messaging me, emailing me, calling me about everything. As a supervisor of a rather large group of people, I know that I have been neglecting my team but there isn't a lot that I can do about it so I hope that they can just hang in there with me for a bit without too much consequences.
I definitely don't want to talk about work on here today so let's move on from that. Since the last time I posted, I met someone. Me and K went to California over Memorial Day weekend and I met J, a marine that is at Camp Pendleton for pre-deployment to Afghanistan. I met him at the bar after I had had quite a few drinks (and so had he). We ended up making out on the sidewalk and exchanging phone numbers. I didn't think he'd actually text me the next day but he did, bright and early just like he said he would and then later that night I picked him up and we hung out again. Not a single day has gone by since that weekend that we haven't talked or texted. I returned to spend time with him two weeks later and then another two weeks after that which was this past weekend. When I went to see him two weeks ago and was planning my next visit, he had offered to help pay for gas. I didn't accept or turn it down and didn't mention it again. Although looking at my bank account today I probably should have! So I got back yesterday and tried to make plans to see K so I could talk about my weekend. Nothing really exciting happened except me asking him if he was my boyfriend now (yeah, kinda like we're in high school still!) and well lately K is back on her workout kick and I've been busy with the traveling to California and such that we barely get to hang out. When I try to hang out with her, it seems she's too busy or only has a tiny gap of time. I really really hate to complain about this kind of stuff...I feel like another friend of mine who used to constantly whine to me about how her other friends weren't as good of friends to her as she thought they should be. I couldn't stand it and actually she probably thinks that I'm not a good friend anymore because I never see her. In my defense, she became the person she always complained about which is the girl with a boyfriend who only does things with her boyfriend.
This is a bit off topic so let me get back to what I was saying about K...we got into a bit of a petty argument about the fact that she tried to make plans with me at 3:45 and then it changed to like 6:30pm without her even mentioning it and it was annoying! I have always been the "on time" friend and I like making plans and keeping them. She's the worst when it comes to both making plans and being on time and I was hungry and tired and just kinda snapped about it. Long story...well still long...I ended up meeting her and one of our other friends out for beer. I was kind of blah throughout the whole thing...and then we got to talk a bit out by our cars before we left. I was talking about John...and well the basic thing is, ever since the last heartbreak I had (which was the WORST I have ever reacted about a guy), she is overly protective of me when it comes to dating - and therefore overly critical of everything I tell her about that has to do with guys. This all goes back to me saying to her that I thought when I talked about my relationships to her, I thought she wasn't really listening because she doesn't say anything about it...now it's like she's overly verbal about what she is thinking and it really brought me down last night. She asked about J paying for my gas for the trip and I flat out lied and said he had...because I just don't want to see that judgmental look on her face or make an excuse for him. I don't have to make an excuse, it's my choice to go there and I didn't ask him. I also got the impression that he was short on money. The whole thing is so new so I tread lightly...is it crazy to plan to put my dating life on hold for 7 months so I can "get to know" him? Yes, maybe it is...but I'm not excited about dating anymore...and so my thought is that this will give me something to do. I need to get to know him more before I really know if it's right and I need to work on expressing how I feel honestly without worrying that he may not like me anymore. All of this has gotten my head foggy..it brought my cloud 9 down to about a cloud 4.
On top of it all, my mom gave me one of those "I'm happy for you ...I hope it works out..." and then made a comment about how she didn't understand my generation's tendency to post things on facebook for the world to see when it falls apart. What kind of support is that!? I'm the only person that is optimistic about my own crappy love life!
Today is my Monday. Had yesterday off which is always a good thing...especially lately. Not that I hate my job or anything but lately it has been so busy and overwhelming that I usually can't wait for a break. Unfortunately a break just means when I come back all the stuff is piled up still waiting but now it's all urgent and everyone is messaging me, emailing me, calling me about everything. As a supervisor of a rather large group of people, I know that I have been neglecting my team but there isn't a lot that I can do about it so I hope that they can just hang in there with me for a bit without too much consequences.
I definitely don't want to talk about work on here today so let's move on from that. Since the last time I posted, I met someone. Me and K went to California over Memorial Day weekend and I met J, a marine that is at Camp Pendleton for pre-deployment to Afghanistan. I met him at the bar after I had had quite a few drinks (and so had he). We ended up making out on the sidewalk and exchanging phone numbers. I didn't think he'd actually text me the next day but he did, bright and early just like he said he would and then later that night I picked him up and we hung out again. Not a single day has gone by since that weekend that we haven't talked or texted. I returned to spend time with him two weeks later and then another two weeks after that which was this past weekend. When I went to see him two weeks ago and was planning my next visit, he had offered to help pay for gas. I didn't accept or turn it down and didn't mention it again. Although looking at my bank account today I probably should have! So I got back yesterday and tried to make plans to see K so I could talk about my weekend. Nothing really exciting happened except me asking him if he was my boyfriend now (yeah, kinda like we're in high school still!) and well lately K is back on her workout kick and I've been busy with the traveling to California and such that we barely get to hang out. When I try to hang out with her, it seems she's too busy or only has a tiny gap of time. I really really hate to complain about this kind of stuff...I feel like another friend of mine who used to constantly whine to me about how her other friends weren't as good of friends to her as she thought they should be. I couldn't stand it and actually she probably thinks that I'm not a good friend anymore because I never see her. In my defense, she became the person she always complained about which is the girl with a boyfriend who only does things with her boyfriend.
This is a bit off topic so let me get back to what I was saying about K...we got into a bit of a petty argument about the fact that she tried to make plans with me at 3:45 and then it changed to like 6:30pm without her even mentioning it and it was annoying! I have always been the "on time" friend and I like making plans and keeping them. She's the worst when it comes to both making plans and being on time and I was hungry and tired and just kinda snapped about it. Long story...well still long...I ended up meeting her and one of our other friends out for beer. I was kind of blah throughout the whole thing...and then we got to talk a bit out by our cars before we left. I was talking about John...and well the basic thing is, ever since the last heartbreak I had (which was the WORST I have ever reacted about a guy), she is overly protective of me when it comes to dating - and therefore overly critical of everything I tell her about that has to do with guys. This all goes back to me saying to her that I thought when I talked about my relationships to her, I thought she wasn't really listening because she doesn't say anything about it...now it's like she's overly verbal about what she is thinking and it really brought me down last night. She asked about J paying for my gas for the trip and I flat out lied and said he had...because I just don't want to see that judgmental look on her face or make an excuse for him. I don't have to make an excuse, it's my choice to go there and I didn't ask him. I also got the impression that he was short on money. The whole thing is so new so I tread lightly...is it crazy to plan to put my dating life on hold for 7 months so I can "get to know" him? Yes, maybe it is...but I'm not excited about dating anymore...and so my thought is that this will give me something to do. I need to get to know him more before I really know if it's right and I need to work on expressing how I feel honestly without worrying that he may not like me anymore. All of this has gotten my head foggy..it brought my cloud 9 down to about a cloud 4.
On top of it all, my mom gave me one of those "I'm happy for you ...I hope it works out..." and then made a comment about how she didn't understand my generation's tendency to post things on facebook for the world to see when it falls apart. What kind of support is that!? I'm the only person that is optimistic about my own crappy love life!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Warrior!
Some friends and I did the Warrior Dash this past weekend. It's funny to see that there are all sorts of different mud related type activities popping up around here...and for some reason the idea of "racing" for a few miles and ending up covered from head to toe in mud sounds like a great idea! Actually I am very proud of myself for doing that race. Although I can't say that I competed in the actual race part because I walked the whole 3.4 miles but I did every single obstacle course. I thought for sure that I wouldn't accomplish that and honestly they were a lot less difficult than I thought they would be. I did end up with quite a few bruises as a result but hey, pretty minor considering.
I want to do the Tough Mudder competition in January next year. It's triple the distance and the obstacles really are just crazy. I can tell you now that I will NOT be doing the one where you run through live electrical wires and get shocked! I mean really, I'll crawl in mud and jump in water but getting shocked is really not my idea of a good time. We'll just have to see how it goes. I might lose my nerve before it even gets here!
I haven't been dating lately. I took down my online dating profile a while back. It's nice not to browse the dating buffet for a while. It's funny to think of it like that but it's the way it is when you're on a dating website. You look around for things that are just "ok" because you don't expect anything on the buffet to be good. Last year I got in this mode of where I wanted to work on improving myself before I started dating because it's hard to think that I deserve more when I am not 100% happy with myself. I know that if I can lose the next 50 pounds by the end of this year I will have no trouble being the confident, positive person that I want to be. A couple things have happened over the past few weeks that have really left me feeling down about myself. Some friends had a bbq about a month ago and I was outside talking to one of the people hosting the party...someone who I had actually asked to dinner and who ignored me (that's a whole other story)...anyways, a mutual "friend" came up to us while we were talking and said "Amanda's a good one to flirt with, I almost fucked her in Vegas." Seriously?! This guy used to be such a douche, and I say "used to" because he appeared he had changed since being with his crazy girlfriend over the past year and a half. He's been all whipped and is playing daddy. Besides the fact that he didn't almost do anything in Vegas with me, that was almost three years ago and to bring it up now is so disgusting and insulting. I laughed it off at the time but a couple weeks later it was still eating at me that I didn't say something to him or slap him in his face so I sent him an email and told him that it was pretty much unacceptable and uncalled for. He apologized but then his girlfriend/fiance read the email and was so mad at him that she almost broke off their engagement. Not my problem, she's not mad at me and her boyfriend was being a big douche. Then a couple days later I find out another friend in our group who I hooked up with over two years ago, denied even doing it after the fact...even though that same night we came back out of his room to hang out with the party and he was talking about it in front of people. Not in a vulgar way...just in a funny sort of way. I'm not some sort of group slut or anything...he's the only person in the group that I've been with but to hear that was really hurtful. This much time later I shouldn't give a shit about it and he didn't continue to deny it but it sucks knowing that. So after all that I decided that I am really done with people.
I leave you with a photo of some friends from the Warrior Dash...doesn't that just look like a good time!? :)
I want to do the Tough Mudder competition in January next year. It's triple the distance and the obstacles really are just crazy. I can tell you now that I will NOT be doing the one where you run through live electrical wires and get shocked! I mean really, I'll crawl in mud and jump in water but getting shocked is really not my idea of a good time. We'll just have to see how it goes. I might lose my nerve before it even gets here!
I haven't been dating lately. I took down my online dating profile a while back. It's nice not to browse the dating buffet for a while. It's funny to think of it like that but it's the way it is when you're on a dating website. You look around for things that are just "ok" because you don't expect anything on the buffet to be good. Last year I got in this mode of where I wanted to work on improving myself before I started dating because it's hard to think that I deserve more when I am not 100% happy with myself. I know that if I can lose the next 50 pounds by the end of this year I will have no trouble being the confident, positive person that I want to be. A couple things have happened over the past few weeks that have really left me feeling down about myself. Some friends had a bbq about a month ago and I was outside talking to one of the people hosting the party...someone who I had actually asked to dinner and who ignored me (that's a whole other story)...anyways, a mutual "friend" came up to us while we were talking and said "Amanda's a good one to flirt with, I almost fucked her in Vegas." Seriously?! This guy used to be such a douche, and I say "used to" because he appeared he had changed since being with his crazy girlfriend over the past year and a half. He's been all whipped and is playing daddy. Besides the fact that he didn't almost do anything in Vegas with me, that was almost three years ago and to bring it up now is so disgusting and insulting. I laughed it off at the time but a couple weeks later it was still eating at me that I didn't say something to him or slap him in his face so I sent him an email and told him that it was pretty much unacceptable and uncalled for. He apologized but then his girlfriend/fiance read the email and was so mad at him that she almost broke off their engagement. Not my problem, she's not mad at me and her boyfriend was being a big douche. Then a couple days later I find out another friend in our group who I hooked up with over two years ago, denied even doing it after the fact...even though that same night we came back out of his room to hang out with the party and he was talking about it in front of people. Not in a vulgar way...just in a funny sort of way. I'm not some sort of group slut or anything...he's the only person in the group that I've been with but to hear that was really hurtful. This much time later I shouldn't give a shit about it and he didn't continue to deny it but it sucks knowing that. So after all that I decided that I am really done with people.
I leave you with a photo of some friends from the Warrior Dash...doesn't that just look like a good time!? :)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Just a few things...
I have a couple blogs that I follow that I love reading anytime they have a new post. The difference between their blogs and mine (besides the talent they have) is that they write the truth of all truths about their thoughts and lives and their friends and families know about it and read the blog too. I am not sure if I am giving them too much credit here but my blog is completely anonymous to anyone that knows me because I don't want people I know to actually read some of the thoughts that I write down. In some way because of a fear of being judged in person and in other ways because I like to be able to "say" things about the people in my life freely that I would never say to them in person. This brings me to what I wanted to write about today...
My best friend K got a lapband about a year and a half ago and although I say that until I really spend an entire year putting my all into losing weight, I wouldn't dream about getting a lapband, I secretly wish I did have it and could drop 100 pounds quickly. Well not really 100 pounds, right now I just want to lose 60. Anyways, she has lost that much weight, not counting some fluctuations when the band wasn't filled. Ever since then, I can't stand when she brags about how little she has eaten and how much she has worked out. I mean really, maybe she's not bragging, she is probably really proud of herself just like I would be but if the roles were switched and I had an overweight best friend trying to lose weight the o'natural way then I would probably be a little more sensitive to that plight and not mention this shit all the damn time. Like yesterday for example, I posted on facebook about the pizza I ate burning my mouth....and she replied with "I've been really good this week and I'm back down in the 100s." Yeah thanks for making me feel like a piece of crap for eating pizza! And although I actually do like to have a work out partner, I don't like to work out with her anymore. I can workout really well though so it's not like I'm one of those people who can only go for 20 minutes and I'm done. I can do an hour of cardio and I love it! Anyways, I am thinking I have to tell her about this soon but am worried that it actually might hurt her feelings and I'll just look like an unsupportive bitch.
My best friend K got a lapband about a year and a half ago and although I say that until I really spend an entire year putting my all into losing weight, I wouldn't dream about getting a lapband, I secretly wish I did have it and could drop 100 pounds quickly. Well not really 100 pounds, right now I just want to lose 60. Anyways, she has lost that much weight, not counting some fluctuations when the band wasn't filled. Ever since then, I can't stand when she brags about how little she has eaten and how much she has worked out. I mean really, maybe she's not bragging, she is probably really proud of herself just like I would be but if the roles were switched and I had an overweight best friend trying to lose weight the o'natural way then I would probably be a little more sensitive to that plight and not mention this shit all the damn time. Like yesterday for example, I posted on facebook about the pizza I ate burning my mouth....and she replied with "I've been really good this week and I'm back down in the 100s." Yeah thanks for making me feel like a piece of crap for eating pizza! And although I actually do like to have a work out partner, I don't like to work out with her anymore. I can workout really well though so it's not like I'm one of those people who can only go for 20 minutes and I'm done. I can do an hour of cardio and I love it! Anyways, I am thinking I have to tell her about this soon but am worried that it actually might hurt her feelings and I'll just look like an unsupportive bitch.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
And life does go on.
I am so tired right now, and my sinuses are extremely angry at me. I kind of think that in a way I have become allergic to smoking because I started up again all heavy when I had my tiny heartbreak/meltdown a little over a month ago and ever since then I feel like I have to constantly blow my nose, yet I don't have a cold. Smoking isn't even really appealing to me at this point, it's just something to do for the sake of doing something. Stupid to pick something so unhealthy so I am going to try to quit again. Hoping it won't be to extremely difficult because I don't want to take chantix again...although I do still have some handy just in case.
So a month and 24 emails later, I finally got a little bit of closure on the whole heartbreak thing. I did have to pretend a little bit that what I was talking about wasn't bugging me and I definitely remained calm and I finally got the one thing that I wanted from him to begin with..."I felt bad. I should've brought it up now looking back. Sorry I put you through that." I mean really, was that so hard? Earlier on in the emails he was still maintaining his theory of "I wasn't going to apologize more because then it would look like I did something wrong." Who is he talking to? I obviously already thought he did something wrong (which he did!) so what was going to happen?? Was I going to post his asshole ways up for the world to see and judge...no, I was hurt and he should of at least had the decency to say sorry for all of it rather than saying it was my fault for assuming too much. Anyways, so the fact that I got the apology makes me feel a little bit better but doesn't make me feel less sad that it has ended. I really did like him so much and I thought for once that I was getting the kind of guy I deserved. In one day it was all flushed down the toilet and I can't help but think that if I had reacted differently it would have turned out ok ........OR I would have had my heart broken even more. I like to think that I was right in my reaction and words...no, I was right...why do I do that to myself? I have done it in the past where I let guys be pieces of shits to me and I make excuses about how I was and how I could have done something different to make them love me. But that's not the way it's supposed to be, that makes me not a real person...it makes me a doormat. So yes, I did the right thing...I did the right thing.
On another note! A couple blog posts back I wrote something silly about how I really wanted my own diamond ring...well I finally got one! I love it so much and it makes me happy to look at it sparkle.
So a month and 24 emails later, I finally got a little bit of closure on the whole heartbreak thing. I did have to pretend a little bit that what I was talking about wasn't bugging me and I definitely remained calm and I finally got the one thing that I wanted from him to begin with..."I felt bad. I should've brought it up now looking back. Sorry I put you through that." I mean really, was that so hard? Earlier on in the emails he was still maintaining his theory of "I wasn't going to apologize more because then it would look like I did something wrong." Who is he talking to? I obviously already thought he did something wrong (which he did!) so what was going to happen?? Was I going to post his asshole ways up for the world to see and judge...no, I was hurt and he should of at least had the decency to say sorry for all of it rather than saying it was my fault for assuming too much. Anyways, so the fact that I got the apology makes me feel a little bit better but doesn't make me feel less sad that it has ended. I really did like him so much and I thought for once that I was getting the kind of guy I deserved. In one day it was all flushed down the toilet and I can't help but think that if I had reacted differently it would have turned out ok ........OR I would have had my heart broken even more. I like to think that I was right in my reaction and words...no, I was right...why do I do that to myself? I have done it in the past where I let guys be pieces of shits to me and I make excuses about how I was and how I could have done something different to make them love me. But that's not the way it's supposed to be, that makes me not a real person...it makes me a doormat. So yes, I did the right thing...I did the right thing.
On another note! A couple blog posts back I wrote something silly about how I really wanted my own diamond ring...well I finally got one! I love it so much and it makes me happy to look at it sparkle.
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